Since today has mainly consisted of studying, being a walking and breathing nervous breakdown and listening to british new wave while dancing in my room alone in skimpy shorts and a cropped t-shirt (talk about being inspired by unimportant 80's teenage movies), I promise to drink a glass of wine or two or three or four tomorrow night. Saturdays were made for that. Especially those that remind you of real Summer Saturdays. I hope tomorrow night will, this rain is making everything ten times duller.

Goodnight everyone. If I weren't an atheist, I'd say God bless you.

Late Spring in the suburbs, concrete, Bob Dylan turning 70 and me staying 19, yacht owner's jacket and australian boots, occasionally feeling quite lovesick, tight jeans and studying in neo-renaissance libraries.

I rediscovered Charles Bukowski today at the library while trying to take a break from payne fund-studies analysis, he's breathtaking.

Saturday nights were made for kissing to be clever, weekdays for regretting it and avoiding awkward invites for lunch in the city.

Dress-size projects should be changed to stress-size projects, it looks like I'm prone to stress about anything and everything.

I spend money on clothes and things that make me feel like the stereotype of a rich finnish swede boy's girlfriend who spends summers on a huge yacht enjoying life (think white, stripes, healthy hair, tan, fit legs, short skirts, champagne and the sea).

I feel stressed out but quite serene. If I were to quote a very tired and cliché'd line I'd say youth knows no pain.

Things to enjoy: bleaching too-short shorts on a dirty floor (splashing chlorine on your bare legs - not so enjoyable), getting all giddy about original 80's vinyl records, getting complimented (although "You're looking better than ever" could sometimes be classified as a reverse compliment...), planning on how to spend massive amounts of money, tanning, attempts at dropping dress sizes, leftover häagen dazs in the freezer.

Everything feels temporary here. Everything feels temporary and, at the same time, somehow neatly planned. The city's choking me, taking everything that I've had and giving me Spring dust in exchange.

I want real people, not chatting on the phone without ever genuinely meeting or worse, endless conversations via the Internet. I want to see and feel who I'm sharing my thoughts with, I want real people and it is not to be compromised; I need the warmth, the moments in cafés or parks or by the sea.

If I feel something, I want to feel it all, not just any halfway feelings and if tears ensue, I want them to be real ones and I want them to come as an overwhelming stream. If I encounter pain, I want it to be a struggle, not a mere ache and if there's happiness, I want it to be the crushingly amazing.

Until now, all talk of freedom has been talk of if ever and when and sometime soon. In 46 days I'll be officially free. What follows that, is a vast pile of roads to choose. By then I'll have enough money to buy tickets to anywhere I want to, by then I'll have a stronger mind and a stronger body.

After that comes the great unknown. I'm ready to go but I'm beginning slowly.

Tomorrow is such a beautiful word.

I daydream about Paris-Sorbonne whenever the city I'm in tastes like dust and bones. I regret not taking the steps needed to alter this situation, I regret it every morning. No amount of sunshine is going to change that.

Since I last posted anything here I've ended a relationship, almost finished with all of my responsibilities, started cramming for university and started drawing lines on maps to see which way to go in Summer. My dry cider consumption has gone a bit up, and I've made a promise to do something exciting and special each and every weekend from now on, now that I'm free. I'm trying not to fall for the worst things and people there is, this time around.

Right now I'm going through a mental cleanse in the middle of nowhere in Lapland. It does good to try to figure out exactly what you want.

Things are going good (although I'm still looking for someone a bit more special to watch Twin Peaks with).